I had been writing a long, eloquent and very stylistic post but then I woke up this morning feeling like
there must have been some disaster in the world last night. Was
there an earthquake and catastrophic tsunami, perhaps a wild fire or
plane crash or another idiotic mass shooting or civil war or anything
that would justify feeling like the world is a truly soulless place.
No, as it turns out when someone is going to die the world keeps on
going and not much changes. I've read enough writing about death
that I should have known that perception is only the reality of those
who share that perception. Christopher Hitchens died from esophageal
cancer and now it seems another Christopher will be passing on very
soon. My friend Chris has been diagnosed with colon cancer and has
gone from having a stomach ache two weeks ago to looking quite sickly
and being nearly bedridden. I'll spare you the gory details (of
which there is no shortage) and just tell you he's not long for this
world. He's my fucking age. I'm not old, I'm not even middle aged.
Chris and I are both generally rather healthy tall blonde Casanovas
and if it can happen to him it can happen to me. When Lia D. passed
away a couple weeks ago it was a sobering experience but at least she
bore children and had a career and got married. What's Chris had
time to do with his life? I remember talking with him as he told me
he still managed to have no STD's which is a tribute to his caution
in the gay community in Bangkok. Now I'm sitting here thinking why
didn't he just go and fuck everything that moved if he was going to
die young anyway? I suppose if he knew then what he knows now he
very well may have.
There's plenty more to write about,
Survival Games, Binumi, Christmas and New Years and and and but right
now I don't really feel like it.
I've been thinking about death too. "Survival Games" goes up in 2 days and I've been fretting and fretting about the show, but hearing about Chris from you this morning was like having a bucket of cold water thrown on me.
ReplyDeleteHow silly I feel making a show about survival, about fighting illnesses, when I have never had to fight for my life and I have never had to experience watching someone I love die from an illness. What do I know?
I feel like a fraud. But as I sit here, in this corner of our apartment where I can feel the breeze and see the river, trees, buildings, sky and sunshine, I am also glad. I'm glad that I live here with you. I'm glad I come home to you every night and wake up next to you every morning.
It's hard to know if anything one does in life has an impact, or is important. How do we measure the success and fullness of our lives? How can we know if we're doing the right thing, or making a waste of it all?
I don't know. I'm just bumbling along. What I do know is that being with you makes my life fuller, happier, and more purposeful.
Let's keep bumbling along together, shall we? As best we can.
i wish there were some way to make sense of it all :( thank you for the keeping us in the loop -- i can only imagine what you're feeling right now, but i appreciate you letting us into your thoughts, however dark they may get. i'm sending you love right now across these oceans. i hope your time with 'rents coming up will be a welcome light.
ReplyDeleteNana -- i love your reply. You are an angel <3
As Lia Deenik wrote, the quality of life is more important than the quantity. Nana has the right idea: It's the love that counts. In the end, that's what you leave behind. What Christopher needs right now is your support and hope. You are a good friend!
ReplyDeleteThanks Dad, and thanks for distinguishing yourself from that other guy who stole your name.
DeleteBeen thinking a lot about your friend, especially considering the timing.
ReplyDeleteAnd one thing that I was so sure of 13 years ago, when Lia and I met up
again, was that it would be the last time with would ever see each other.
Instead, we promised to do the utmost for our relationship. We chose to take
each moment that we had and cherish it. She was the one who led. I am the
lucky one to follow...and in following I learned about quality over
quantity. I will never be the same again...she taught me to breathe and to
be present in my own life. And, surprisingly, I had 13 wonderous years. She
always kept hope alive.
I am sad for you that this thing called life has to so brutally intrude on
you. I am so happy for you that you have Nana by your side. She speaks a
clear and ringing truth. Love!
Thanks Ma.
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